Look Twice, I am a Warrior!
The Rise from the Ashes
I wear no physical metal armor, nor do I carry hard rock abs, however I do carry the SPIRIT of a Warrior.
I've walk the depths of darkness in the valleys, I've conquered some mountains of limitations, I overcame obstacles of personal inner battles and I've stood firm in the chaos of storms. Make no mistake, you may see a woman in this picture who looks nothing like a Warrior in Armor, but she is as much of a warrior as Wonder Woman fighting on the battle lines.
I have been through personal storms as most of us have, and my storms made me stronger. The more I view things in hindsight, the more I understand why I needed to go through it to become who I am today.
I wanted to share my story because I believe all women are Warriors in their own right and my passion is to help them find that warrior spirit inside them.
I lived in contradictions for most of my life, all the while trying to figure out who I was. This led me down paths of poor choices, broken relationships and a lack of conviction of who I am.
As a little girl of 11 years old, or maybe younger I would lock myself in a cupboard where I would hurt myself and for so long, I never really knew why. My family life was considered normal, I didn't have a bad childhood, however I missed some things like the knowledge of who I was, how valuable I was.
What baffled me for years was why would a little girl do that, something was definitely missing. To an 11 year old, I had no real understanding of the why, but I knew something wasn't right. Maybe something happened and I blocked it out. My memory doesn't serve me to remember, so I trust that it knows best for me.
This habitual habit went on a few years before I force myself to stop, but in my mind it didn't stop. I went looking for love in all the wrong places. You can imagine what happened next, heartbreaks and failed relationships.
I attracted good looking men with some beautiful souls, and in my experience of life, they too had their own issues that made them the perfect match for what my unconscious mind was searching for. Love with conditions. Let me explain....
I felt unlovable for who I was, who I was becoming. Every relationship I went into seemed to confirm that belief. I attracted people who treated me with love conditions. I compromised on what little values I had and each time, my mind, heart and soul continued to receive a beating. I wanted them to love me desperately for who I was, not for who I could be for their own insecurites and their own inner issues. They came with love conditions, and if I am being honest, so did I.
I am not here to dishonor the people in my life, however I want to acknowledge them and I am thankful for their part that brought my life to a halt 4 and a half years ago.
I have 5 amazing children in whom I have all deep relationships with and even with all the storms we faced together, we are stronger in connection because of it.
I was married for 13 years and I had some wonderful and great times with my ex-husband back then, we were friends, but the relationship became strained and unsustainable from very early on. Not knowing myself took me on a journey that caused conflict within myself and to my ex husband and we became open targets to each others inner conflicts.
Trying to meet each other's needs was hard work, but we grew together, and then we grew apart. Sometimes things happen in life that can change the course of life in a blink of an eye. No one could have for seen the future that was coming our way the day we got married.
It took me 6 years in to start opening up about what happened behind closed doors, then it took another 7 years for me to leave and finally leave that door behind 3 years later with a divorce. The last year of my marriage in my home was some of the most traumatic experiences I ever experienced in life.
For the sake of my children, and to my own personal private life, the details are kept to a minimum.
In 2013, my soul had, had enough. I remember standing in the shower and screaming with no sound. My mouth opened to scream and in my mind, the scream was so loud, but no voice, no sound escaped. I had reached my limit. I was living in a situation that was personally traumatic for me. I was fulfilling the role of 'Love with Conditions' and it just was no longer working. It took unforseen circumstances to play out and I was to leave my home with my children with nothing but a bag of clothes.
I compromised, I battled, I stood up, I cried in desperation, I fought the good fight, I was planted in determination, I prayed to God, I clung onto any hope that came my way, but my life, my dreams, my family as I knew it was falling apart.
The truth is, it was destined to fail. I didn't know who I was, and neither did my ex-husband, but that is not where the story ends.
For years after, I stood in the face of battles that threaten to take me back to that place, but its a battle that I stand strong in and very much in my own space. I had come to be in my own space after declaring and promising myself that I wanted to heal and heal well.
My Journey since then, has seen me battle through co-dependence, depression, complicated grief, low self esteem, anger, anxiety, abandonment, rejection, desperation, financial struggles, addictions, frustration, confusion, denial, health issues and other battles.
But don't be disheartened, because I also fought and found in the battles, my inner strength, my inner conviction, my voice, my independence, my creativity, my determination, my resilence, my joy, my self esteem, my gifts, my drive to thrive in my own identity, my healing, my beliefs, my purpose and I am still finding more as I continue this journey in my life.!
And that's why Im here, that's why I am sharing with you. I know what its like to feel and experience so many things that are limiting and I know what its like to rise to the other side. My passion has been and is for women who want to find that warrior spirit within them.
I have been on this journey of self healing for a long time, in fact it started way back when I was 25 years old. I asked my parents to share with me who they are, outside of the role of being my parents. I began to understand some things. Even though I started then, it took me another 20 years of unpacking to come into my own understanding about my own life.
Since then, life gave me the opportunity to explore, to evaluate, what works, what doesn't work, to seek, to heal, to question, to hate, to love, to feel, to be afraid, to be brave, to fall, to stand tall, to hang on, to let go, to misunderstand, to understand, to accept, to not accept and the list goes on.
Now, I relish in my space in my life, I love to be in my own space, I love and like who I have become, I love understanding how the mind works, the continuing study I committ to better myself, the opportunities that come my way that I embrace and especially to help others with what I learn and have learned and to pass on for the greater good.
I have been working in women's transformation work for some time and the women I have the privilege of working with, are truly amazing. I became a creative therapist and coach to better equipped to help in any way I can. I see the warriors within them, even when they can't and watching the transformations happen gives me such incredible joy.
That makes me a Warrior! And You too are a Warrior and it makes my heart expand for every woman who rises up and becomes everything in Who they are.
One thing is for certain, I didn't do this journey alone, I had amazing support to help me find my wings until I was strong enough to fly. If this is you and your wings have been broken somehow, send me a message and I would love to chat with you. Maybe your reading this, because its your time to fly. If you find yourself in my story in a big way, or a small way, know this, your not alone. Reach out and know your on the journey of self discovery.